While we know we are making progress, today we had a very real discussion about the amount of work that is still to be done. She is making strides (not literal yet...) in the right direction. She's doing some great things. I was hoping we'd be able to be finished with concentrated physical and occupational therapy by summer. I'm not sure we're going to meet that goal. While I was hoping to be finished, I've realized-after lots of thinking-the most important things I do as a parent are initiate, arrange, and follow through with needed interventions which are conducive to success for my children. I don't mind going to therapy. I love seeing the other moms there who have become my friends and really love our therapists! They are both fantastic! I enjoy visiting with them and have made friendships in addition to professional provider/patient relationships.
All of that being said, I was hoping our challenge would be short-lived. Who doesn't hope that's the case with almost all struggles that come up. It's difficult to know things aren't going to be easy...but I'm afraid comfort and ease make our lives more difficult and miserable. There's something good that comes from hard work, challenges, and trial. So, we'll continue with therapy and I'll be an example of doing so happily. Baby M's delays are going to take more effort and work to adapt to, but I am up for the challenge. Little A quite enjoys our time there, so I don't think she'll be complaining anytime soon :) Perhaps the bigger difficulty is in fact the response to my little one from others more than my own concerns and the reality of the situation. We'll see her doctor in a couple of weeks and will seek his opinion and direction in regards of what to do next. It is difficult to know whether pursuing diagnostic testing is worth it or not. I would be lying if I said I'm not worried about potentially missing something. I have come to the conclusion that those who look at her with a look of 'what's wrong with that kid...' probably have pure intentions. Here are a few things I've learned as the Mama of a baby who isn't. *I am completely open to talking about her struggles. *You might see me cry if you talk to me about her challenges on a particularly difficult day or at a time when the worry is consuming me. Don't be afraid of tears. When someone opens up to talk about their life, they are sharing something special with you. It's really special if it elicits a response that is accompanied with emotion. *I have a great deal of optimism because that's really the only way to navigate a challenge-at least the only way for me. I want to see goodness. If you see it, please share it with me. *Feel free to call her a 'special needs' child. She does have special needs-as do we all. She is not broken though. She can be played with. The braces will keep her feet from falling off, I swear. ;) *One of my friends who is my visiting teacher came to visit with her children. Her daughter asked her what was wrong with my baby. I LOVED her response. She took a very gentle approach and set a great example by saying, "She's asking what the things on her feet are for. Will you explain it to her?" *Even the most disabled among us want to be engaged in life. They are people. Perhaps bottled up in a body that isn't what we'd expect it to be, but people nonetheless. One of our special friends told us about her kitty a few weeks ago. I loved watching the light in her eyes as she struggled a bit to find the words and enunciate them correctly. It was a real accomplishment for her to share something with us. It brought her great joy and I felt as though I mattered in this big world because this sweet girl used her energy-which required far more effort to speak than it does for many of us-to share something with me. *We're all broken. We all need help. No facade can cover up our very human nature and the effects of being just that...human. My sweet girl has obvious physical difficulties. Mine aren't so easy to see, but they are equally real. Neither make us less but seeking help and healing is what makes the difference because of the experiences gained along the way. I wouldn't trade being the mother of this sweet girl. I have gained courage to answer the hard questions. Here are some answers for those of you who have wondered and haven't had the courage (or whatever it might be) to ask. What's wrong with her? We're not sure at this point. We have no definitive answers. Part of the answer includes watching and waiting to see how her development continues. The other part of the answer is debatable in regards to whether or not diagnostic testing/imaging would be helpful. Currently, we are content with treating the deficits and delays we are seeing right now. I'm looking forward to the visit with her physician. I believe he might be able to shine a new angle of light on the situation and give us some insight and counsel. I respect and trust him. In conclusion, nothing is wrong. It's all right and has a purpose. I might not yet understand it, but I have no doubt we will understand it at some point. What does she have? We simply don't know. There are some things we've speculated and wondered, but no concrete diagnosis has been given. We know she has weakness, low tone, and developmental delay. Beyond that, she has amazing perseverance, magnificent strength, and a beautiful personality. Her smile lights up the room and her vocabulary is growing. In summary, she has a lot to offer the world. Will she grow out of it? We don't know. This may be a lifelong struggle for her. It may resolve as she learns ways to adapt and adjusts. If she doesn't grow out of it, I'm confident she'll grow from it. As will we. We've all grown a lot already. Can she move? Yes. Oh, yes! She's able to crawl now though she still prefers to scoot. She is able to pull herself up and walk along furniture. She is starting to prefer being on her feet more than scooting which makes me happy. She's moved me to become a better, more engaged mother. She's inspired some of her therapy friends to move and has moved me to tears on multiple occasions. Like the day she elicited a response from a sweet little girl who's family hadn't seen her respond to anyone in some time. We were all moved in that moment and she contributed to that. Can we play with her? YES!! Please play with her. She wants to do the things everybody else is doing! She loves to be invited and played with. She especially likes to be given the freedom to be the kid she wants to be. She might have to do somethings differently, but she's a great playmate. Once you hear her giggle, you'll know she loves to play! Will she get better? She is getting stronger every day. She is learning new things every day. She is a wonderful, delightful little girl who is gaining skill and knowledge just like the rest of us. She's better than I'll ever be. I'm confident she'll grow to be very productive, happy, effective, personable, genuine, tactful, and kind. She's a great little person. I'm not sure it gets any better than that. Do you wish she wasn't this way? I wouldn't be honest if I said I haven't wished it away a time or two. Now that I have more understanding regarding what is happening with her, I feel more grateful for all that we've gained along the way. My wishes have changed from "I wish she could crawl. I wish she could walk. I wish she had more strength." to "My wish for her is that she'll grow to be best friends with her siblings, see the joys in small things, and grow to love and know her Father in Heaven and Savior, Jesus Christ. I wish everyone could know her." As her parent, I can see the goodness in her. I wish I had been able to see the goodness in others before this, but I am forever grateful I can more easily see it now.
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I had a conversation today that brought back some memories-some good and some not so pleasant-from the early days of our courtship. I thought about the days when I was learning all that I could about this great guy I was dating. Then I decided it was time for Part 2 of our story! Handsome T had worked hard to win my heart. I love that he was my very best friend before we dated. Looking back, I admire him for taking time to get to know me and then dealing with the associated ups and downs. He's really great. Things got tough for both of us soon after we started dating. My mom and step-dad divorced in the fall after our romantic 4th of July together which was the official first day of our relationship. (We all know how important those specifics are in the early days!) His family dynamic growing up was much different than mine. They didn't talk about emotions or feelings much and I grew up hearing that I was loved and felt that my family had a genuine interest in my life. After the finalization of the divorce, my mom moved to another city to rebuild her life. I stayed in my hometown. I felt strongly that I needed Handsome T (not yet promoted to Hubby T) and had began pursuing my career by enrolling in a CNA class at my high school. I always wanted to be a grown up, so it felt right to do all that I could to be just that. I excelled in the class and nurtured our budding relationship. I have to pause here for a moment and say one thing: we were so young! 12 years ago-high school graduation, two years apart, newly married, new parents, and grad school-later, we were truly kids. We faced some incredible difficulties and some really amazing moments together. We've learned a lot. Some of the greatest lessons were definitely gained in those really early days together. Now back to the story. We spent all the time together that we could. I remember he came to see me right after school started. We hadn't talked much all day and it felt like it'd been so long since I'd seen him. I was so excited to see him, talk to him, hear his voice, and hug him. He truly became my sunshine in the days that followed. Divorce is a sensitive subject. For me, it was definitely difficult. I was so comfortable with my life. It was so predictable. I knew what was coming next...but this wasn't on my radar. Everything changed. Except Handsome T. He didn't budge. I will forever be grateful for that. I lived with a couple of my siblings, spent some nights at Hubby T's house (oops), and then settled with a wonderful couple who had taken me to church when I was first baptized. They provided the extra love and support I needed. They also loved this boy I was dating. Time went on and we continued to be madly in love with each other. I remember parking on a dirt road and getting caught by a farmer (HA!) and being glad our intentions were pure, spending time together talking about life, sharing my goals with him and listening as he talked about how he didn't know what he wanted to do or become. We simply sat together sometimes. We did some hunting and even went off-roading right into the ditch on a pheasant hunting adventure. We had dates for dinner and I tried shrimp for the first time with him. We had an eventful homecoming day-date in which we rode 4-wheelers from our hometown to another city through the mountains and crashed on our way back. We got pulled over once after grabbing a treat after fishing and he forgot to turn the headlights on. The officer was so suspicious when he saw the fishing gear and a young man. Then he saw me, recognized me, and immediately knew Handsome T was a good guy if he was hanging out with me. (I really love that story ;) We enjoyed each other's company and made priceless memories together. Remember, I told you he is super smart. I wasn't kidding. But this sweet, tender, young love of ours was a bit distracting. He got a C in his calculus class because of me. Sometimes I still feel bad about that ;) First time for everything. He is truly a person sent to my life for good reason. Things were about to become more difficult than I could have ever imagined. Little did I know, God is aware of his children. More aware than I knew then. When he helped me move to live with the family I'd gone to church with previously (I was no longer attending church and hadn't been for some time), he looked at me as we drove down the dirt road to their home and said, "So...when you live with these people...are you going to have to go to church?" I didn't hesitate much before saying, "Well, I probably should." The conversation ended there, but the thoughts and feelings continued rolling forward. M & K greeted us at the door with welcome, open arms and smiles. I'm sure they were a bit nervous about how this would all play out. I love them for their willingness to see potential and invest so much in two kids. Again, God is keenly aware of his children. All of them. Handsome T helped me get settled and was on his way. Things changed quickly after that. I was working in an assisted living facility. Handsome T had a visit from some people in leadership positions at church and decided to start attending. I made the same decision. We completely supported each other in the changes we were making individually and together. I'll never forget the day he shared his convictions with me. He called to tell me he needed to talk to me. I remember being with him outside and listening so intently. It was getting dark. He told me he needed to serve an LDS mission. He told me he had an experience in which he knew that was what he needed to do. I cried. He was strong. Stalwart. Focused. He didn't move on his decision though I felt his compassion for me and my feelings. I fell even more in love with him that night. We had a lot of work to do to get him ready to go. We made some really big changes. We did some really difficult things to prepare for his service. I was inspired by his devotion, dedication, and unwavering determination to do what he knew he need to do. We'd been dating for three years by the time he left. Three years! In that time, a lot had changed. We cried together a lot. The thought of being separated was difficult for both of us. The reality of the experience he would have in another country became more clear. We were so happy to have overcome some of our own weaknesses, humbled ourselves to be able to forgive and to utilize the power of forgiveness for our own mistakes. Several months were spent counseling with our Bishop to find remission of sins and hope to keep going. He was a delight. Truly inspired. He has a special place in our hearts-as does his family-for the love and compassion they showed to us. During that time, we learned another truth. There is opposition in all things. We battled the fiery disapproval from some and not only witnessed, but experienced first hand miracles. To illustrate a miracle we experienced: He'd been encouraged for some time by leaders to move out of his parents' home. It was volatile there and becoming increasingly so. I was instructed to avoid going there at all as the time drew nearer for him to leave due to concerns for my safety. I complied. One day was incredibly difficult. He took care of his responsibilities and came to seek direction from M & K. He reached out to the Bishop and asked for his guidance. He shared his thoughts with us and suggested he should move out. It was just a matter of weeks before he'd be departing. I asked him to come with us to get Handsome T's things. I was petrified to say the least, but I wasn't willing to send him alone. He told me he couldn't join us this time. This was something we'd have to do on our own, but he offered to have a prayer with us before we went. We kneeled down in his living room and he offered the prayer. These words brought immediate comfort to my heart and courage to continue: "May the Spirit of the Lord rest upon that house tonight." Just as the children of Israel walked on dry ground when the Red Sea was parted, we moved everything from Handsome T's bedroom past every member of his family as they soundly slept. While packing his things, his mother came to his room and told him to get to bed. It was silent after that despite the noise I made as I clumsily made my way from his room to the car. We decided it would be best, after a few trips, for me to load the car and for him to bring it all out. I remember the worry I felt each time he went in and the encouragement I felt each time he came back out. Of course, the big things had to stay because it wasn't feasible to move or haul them in my sedan, but all of his belongings fit in my car. We went back inside, humbly knelt in the now nearly empty bedroom and asked Father what to do next. I remember the quiet peace that came. We knew then that talking about the things which had happened leading up to this night would not be productive nor would initiating that discussion be wise at that time. I offered support to this young man who I deeply loved. I could see his anguish. I could feel his hurt-at least a portion of it. I had held him in preceding days as he struggled to find the answers to really difficult questions stemming from the rejection he was experiencing. We cried. The best I had to offer that night was merely being there. He held my hand as we walked down the stairs. It seemed as though he was soaking up all of the memories in that house with his little brothers who he adored and knew he would miss terribly in the coming years. I'm quite certain he re-lived the happy moments in his mind that night. This was the last time he'd be in this place and have it be his place of residence. He knew this move was going to be final. And he knew beyond any shadow of doubt that he was doing the right thing. He descended the stairs and stood for a quick moment in the kitchen before picking up a marker and writing. He apologized for the difficulties and let them know where he'd be in the note he left on the white board. The ache in his heart had been apparent for sometime, but that night it was excruciatingly obvious. I know he was worried about the hurt he might cause. Worried about his brothers. Maybe that's just part of being the oldest, but he felt it to the core. I think he still does. But there was no doubt in our minds that this was the right decision. We had experienced the hand of the Lord making a way for his work to move forward. The stillness was comforting and yet bizarre. It wasn't normal, but it was welcome. We swiftly moved to the car, drove to the home where he'd settle in and rest before heading out. We were met by our Bishop and his wonderful wife. We moved his things in and he was able to get a good night of sleep-something he desperately needed. He enjoyed the opportunity presented him to recoup and prepare and also to seek counsel from a loving leader. The W's kindly showed him how to iron his shirts, helped pack his suitcases, and let us be a part of their family celebrations. They encouraged and supported us and provided something we couldn't yet provide for ourselves: reassurance. Our young hearts had been so battered. We'd been verbally broken. Despite that, he was able to believe he had potential and that he could do hard things. The love and outpouring of support he received was amazing. M & K and the W's recognized something we couldn't yet see. They saw a son of God rising up to his privilege. They saw a daughter of the Father who was returning to virtue. They saw us as God sees us. Not yet perfect, but trying. Continually working, falling down, repenting, and by grace, standing up to take another step. May 2, 2007 came too quickly and yet not quickly enough. It was a day of miserable joy for me. Handsome T was now Elder C and he was ready. He'd endured, worked, endured, and studied. Then he'd endured some more. He had prepared, saved, fasted, prayed, and obeyed. He wanted nothing more than to get to work. We spent some time in front of M & K's house together before he was officially set apart as a missionary. That was one of the most difficult days of my life-if not the most difficult. I didn't know then if he'd ever return. I worried we'd drift apart. I was afraid of so many unknowns. I needed him. How could I live without him near? Could I do it? Who would I turn to on hard days? Would we still love each other in two years? Two years is a long time. It was the difference between an 18 and a 20 year old. I wanted him to go and had my own experiences to know this was right. I did not ever doubt his ability to be successful, but I had doubts about my own strength indeed.
As our Bishop said to us many times as we progressed along our own path of repentance and conversion, "The Heavens were rejoicing in your behalf." There were angels in the yard that day buoying up a struggling daughter as I did my best to cheerfully send a bruised and battered warrior to do that which he'd been called to do. I am eternally grateful I was chosen to be that person there with him. I have come to know some of those angels who accompanied us in those terribly trying days. Some of them are living today and many were those who rejoiced in Heaven for our success. Two of those angels are my daughters. Surely they were not ever far as they cheered for their own Mom and Dad's success. He entered the MTC joyfully. Hugging would not be appropriate once he was officially a missionary, so we gladly shook hands. There was no way we were going to mess up all the hard work we'd put in. We participated in the devotional and I shook his hand once more. He muttered while holding back tears, "I'm going to miss you so much..." I do not remember what I said. I'm almost certain I couldn't find words other than, "I love you." That was it. He was now on the Lord's errand-called to serve Him who we'd come to love so deeply, so truly, and so completely. I, too, was on the Lord's errand, I just wasn't sure exactly what it was. Yet. Easter is delightful! I am eternally grateful for Jesus Christ, who lived his life so perfectly, atoned so gracefully, completely, and genuinely, and who ultimately rose to live again. I know He lives! We spent our time in a messy house with kids cruising around, dishes littering the counter, and lots of chatter abounding. I wouldn't have traded a thing. Still wouldn't. Easter celebrations vary from one person or family to another. This year we spent our weekend with cousins at our house. Pure delight! We were able to exchange stories and experiences. We enjoyed yummy food together. Our Littles got to play and enjoy one another. The Easter Bunny came and delivered some really fun gifts including matching outfits and ears for the girls, mini yard tools, and cute little buckets. We had a wonderful time together! Hubby T has a dear cousin who has become one of my very best friends. She and I can relate in ways and talk about things that are so deep, so sensitive, and so tender. She is a gem. Her husband is equally wonderful. He may not love crowds or lots of people, but he is a really great guy. I don't think he minds our chaos at all ;) And their daughter? She is as sweet as can be. Seriously. I have to admit, I got a little spoiled. She gave me new hair color, beautiful red fingernails and toenails, and a waxed face. Best present ever for the mama of this house! :) I loved every second because it was combined with chatting about everything from potentials in our futures to things of the past. I love that we are such great friends who understand and value the give-and-take from one another. So thankful for her! BIn our next family photos, you'll see my new hair. And maybe my beautiful fingernails. Thanks, R! You're amazing! These boys had lots of fun too. Nothing beats discussions about trucks, hunting, and everything else manly. (Yes, we have a stock photo on our wall. I've been meaning to put a picture in it since...um...Christmas. Oh yeah, and those pillows? I made those a couple weeks ago. They're a hit around here. Have I mentioned we're still doing some construction?) But how about these awesome dads? They rock their role! Have I ever told you how much I love men who embrace the role of fatherhood and magnify it. There is nothing more handsome, noble, admirable, heroic, or masculine than a man who is the father AND the daddy to his children. More coming on that another time. How cute are they!? Slice of Heaven. Three, actually. Happy Easter! I hope your day was full of love, peace, contentment, family, and friendship. So thankful mine has been!
I have always struggled with scripture reading. I love the scriptures, but it is difficult for me to sit down and study them. Some of the most wonderful insights have come to me when I have opened and dug in a bit. Tonight was no exception.
I've mentioned the decisions which are big {daunting} and need our careful consideration. Have I ever mentioned how difficult adult-ing can be? For real. On that note, I am grateful for the opportunity to carry that load so my little Littles can not be weighed down by these kinds of things. While I am thankful for the eyes to see the importance of not making this weight their burden, these kinds of things are still difficult. We cannot see the future, so we will be taking some steps in the dark. That makes me nervous but I am choosing to be faithful rather than fearful which is an ongoing battle and a conscious choice I have to frequently make. Tonight, my heart was particularly troubled. My mind was overloaded and I was having trouble distinguishing my feelings, thoughts, emotions, and ideas. I didn't know which way I was going or which way to turn. I thought about my scriptures. I looked up from my notebook and caught a glimpse of the blue leather case which carries my scriptures and lots of notes and recorded insights. I carefully unzipped the case and they fell open in my hand. I started to read then back-tracked a bit. There was my answer. As clear as anything I've ever seen, heard, or witnessed before. I know the answer. My heart is settled now. I love the way comfort comes from Heaven. I experienced my own miracle tonight. I started to think about the miracles which I oftentimes miss and the tender mercies I don't recognize. So I decided to connect for a minute. I reflected on the many things I take for granted every single day. My little family. The kitchen sink. The fridge. Our freezer. The furnace. Carpet. Cars. The list goes on and on... I took a moment to stand over Baby M's crib and watch her sleep. She is beautiful. She is such a sweet, strong baby with tremendous spirit and a contagious smile. She brings so much joy to me. I took in her every feature and thought about the days I'd sit and feel her wiggles within, the day she was born, her many firsts, her significant struggles, and her exemplary victories. I feel honored to be her mother. Then I went to Little A. She is my favorite miniature of myself. Nobody could be better at being me than her. She has so many of my mannerisms and quirks. She is an anxious and restless soul-just like me. She is emotional, devoted, loyal, kind, and thoughtful. She fiercely defends that which she believes. She is undeniably vehement about everything which she holds dear. I love that about her. I love her passion. I love our bedside chats about the day. She expressed her frustrations today about having to "stay in the chair at the restaurant. I just wanted to play with my friend, D. She's one of my best friends, Mom, and I don't even get to play with her very much. I think you need to schedule more time for us to play in a place where it's okay to not sit down. It's not a good idea for kids to have rules to sit down ALL the time when we are with friends..." I agree with her. I appreciate her confidence and ability to speak her opinions and thoughts. Again, I stand in a position of changing my behavior and being more aware of things which slip past me in the midst of....life. She is my best Little A. My favorite Little A indeed. I adore her. I am honored to be her mother as well as her friend. Then there's Hubby T. I'm not sure what he'd think if I went in to watch him sleep. ;) He's running ragged. I am so incredibly proud of him. Today we had a little struggle because of my choice of route to a destination. It wasn't the way he would have chosen to go. We were discussing our differences in opinion. Nothing too serious. We had an enjoyable dinner together upon arriving at our destination and we were in good company with some of our best friends. As we traveled back home, I was thinking about how great it is to have differing opinions. We complement each other. He thinks of things that don't even enter my mind or come onto my radar. He sees the goodness when I can't find it. He's able to share insights, scriptures, guidance, and gives me counsel when I need it most. Tonight, he shared an article from the Ensign with me which he knew would give me comfort and some answers to questions I've been struggling with. I love him. I'm not sure I can really describe my feelings for this great man. Sometimes we get so upset in the midst of disagreements and differing opinions, but we always turn back to one another and he is usually the first to wrap his arms around me and assure me that he loves me. Our love grows when we take the time to hear each other out and then move forward. We're a good team. I'm glad he chose me to be the girl by his side. Make no mistake, I am no trophy wife. There isn't much that goes as planned with me in charge. The house is usually not clean when he comes home. I have yet to actually conquer the laundry. My goals to get the dishwasher loaded before bed rarely gets met and my ability to stay awake for a movie is non-existent. I have great intentions and thankfully he knows my heart. And makes a point to notice when I get something done. He's really so great. My very best friend. Above all other honors in my life is being his wife. Their mom. Me. I love being me. Imperfections and all. I'm a work in progress, no doubt. But I can do lots of things and I have value. Tremendous worth and potential. I have some pretty awesome talents and am trying to see the good in the world and in other people. I am petrified of uncertainty and tragic possibilities which quickly become overwhelming reality in my mind until I regain control of my racing thoughts and anxiety, but I am getting better at guiding those destructive thoughts and making them constructive. I have some abandonment issues which stem from things which happened in my childhood, but they don't define me. I get to write my own definition for myself. Mama B: a simple girl who desires nothing more than to love and to be loved. I likeI defend my beliefs and those I love with passion and unrelenting loyalty. I am a wife. I am a mother. I believe in and strive to know better each day Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. I try to be optimistic. I believe things always work out. I mess up. I say sorry. I try really hard. I like to help other people. I am a nurturer at heart. My intentions are far better than what I actually accomplish. I need grace. I love my family. I love my life. I love who I am becoming. I am so glad I am finally learning to love myself. We are so hard on ourselves. The truth is: we all have worth, goodness, potential, and talent. Embrace your quirks. See the good when you look in the mirror. Write your definition then keep writing your story. Many will want to read it. Believe in yourself. You're worth it. Have I ever told you how abundantly blessed and grateful I am for the many wonderful people, belongings, opportunities, and joys which are part of my life? Seriously.
Tragedy always helps bring the things which are truly important home. One of my dear friend's was abandoned by her husband a couple of years ago and in a conversation we recently had, we talked about how important it is to make the most important things the most important things. Brussels drove that home for me today. Immediately, my heart turned to our precious friend who is serving an LDS mission in Paris. He could have easily been one of the young men helping the sister missionary off to her next adventure. This could have happened right here in my town. In a place where I meet my friends for lunch, frequent for groceries or entertainment, or a transportation hub. The uncertainty is daunting. I'm going to share a little of my own struggle with you here. I have battled anxiety for several years. It has been debilitating at times. The good news: I am more able to direct my thoughts with cognitive behavior therapy (it's awesome!) and becoming conscious of what is a real threat and what is something that I am worrying about which is not. That being said, the events of today can be a real setback for those of us who feel uncertain, fearful, and afraid. Our stake president shared this with us in our most recent stake conference. He took these scriptures: Alma 37:47, Alma 13:10, 2 Nephi 2:25, and D&C 68:6. This is the summary of these scriptures which he shared with us: "See that you look to God, choose to repent, strive to work righteousness, and get busy living joyfully rather than perishing from the paralyzing force of fear." My heart hurts for those who have been injured and whose families are feeling the very real damage and hurt resulting from the selfish, skewed ideas and poor decisions of others. That being said, people who do these cowardly things want us to feel uncertain, fearful, and afraid. Instead, let's hug our loved ones longer and tighter than usual. Let's look heavenward and see the beauties that lie around us. How about a few minutes to find joy and to recognize the richness in our lives. In short, let's be consciously making the most important things the most important things. And let's also take a moment to think about the people who have been hurt in today's attack. We cannot become desensitized from these things, but we also cannot become consumed by them either. Sending my love and prayers to all whose hearts are hurting today. Double posting today, but had to share these. Little A was not ever a climber...looks like Baby M will make up for her lack of climbing with her incredible desire to climb onto everything. Until yesterday, she didn't have the strength and coordination to do so. I asked her what she was doing to which she replied with her arms straight up suggesting she is "so big" since that's the game we play when she puts her arms up like that. She scoots on the box as if it were a nice, big, open flat area of carpet without toppling off the side. Amazing. Seriously though, how sweet is she!?
It seems so simple to merely take a step. Or several. To hop up and take off across the room. For Baby M, it hasn't been so easy, but I am so glad it is getting a bit easier. Isn't she so sweet? I love her. She has shown so much grace, perseverance, and joy in the midst of tremendous frustration, difficulty, and discomfort. She is always so happy to see her therapists and even after a really long nearly two hour session today, she left smiling. Love this sweet princess. Forever grateful she's ours. See that? Unassisted standing!!
It's howling out today. I love spring time and the impending warmth that the sun brings, but the wind feels particularly chilly today.
When change is on the horizon, sometimes I feel the coming warmth and other times I feel the chill. Bert from Mary Poppins sings of this very feeling, "Winds from the East, mist coming in, some thing is brewing, about to begin, can't put my finger on what lies in store, but I feel whats to happen all happened before." I don't believe we sat in Heaven and watched every part and detail of our lives unfold on some big screen because I believe our Father wants us to make choices that truly determine our destiny. Perhaps we were made aware of the highlights, but surely there are things that happen here which we truly have control over based on our choices. Sometimes we decided to take an opportunity and other times we decide to let it go. And there are times when we feel that we've seen this option and outcome before. We're in the midst of making some big decisions. Some that I'm not so sure I'm ready to make. Feeling the wind blowing us away from the place we currently are. Interestingly, the wind here has more chill than I remember. The warmth of the opportunity is encouraging me to pack up boxes and load a big truck again. Funny to feel that way, given my hope was to finally be settled. But alas, here come the winds of change. I hope my optimism and hope for the future leads me to grab my umbrella, and float joyfully there. As Mary Poppins so beautifully sang, "Anything can happen if you let it...." For today, we're going to fly our kite. "Let's go fly a kite, up to the highest height, let's go fly a kite and send it soaring, Up through the atmosphere, up where the air is clear." I've been enrolled in classes for a couple of years now. I've completed an associates degree and continued on to a bachelors. I was working away and then life happened... This isn't a profound story, but a simple discussion with my Little A that put things in perspective. I have not ever been content with anything less than a 4.0 when it comes to school. "If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it well" has applied to almost everything I've done. I'm an all in or all out kind of girl. When Little A goes to bed, I try to take a few minutes an talk about our day. We focus the majority of our time on the goodness of the day-the good choices, good things, and good ideas she's had that day and then take a minute to discuss the hard times of the day. We were struggling for some time and her behavior was difficult. I was continually reflecting on the challenges which were relentless. One night as I put her to bed, all of my questions were answered in a simple response from her. I snuggled her for a minute, then told her I was having trouble thinking of any goodness to talk about because the day had been so difficult for both of us. She agreed. Then these words followed, "I just don't like you." We've always encouraged open communication and we're certainly not above apologizing when we mess up. I was crushed for a moment and then found the ability to ask her why she didn't like me. She said, "You're always on your computer. You only listen when Morgan cries." Then it donned on me. She picked on her sister with the intention of making her scream so I'd put my homework away and spend time with her. My heart was broken to hear my sweet girl talk about the difficulties she'd faced because of my 3 and 400 level class load. I will admit, the time I was spending on the computer was extraordinary simply because of the work load. I never finished the papers, projects, discussion boards, and would oftentimes work on it (with multiple interruptions) during the day (all day) and then stay up until the midnight hours trying to complete that which was required. With a broken heart because of the hurt she was feeling and gladness to know my daughter could share her deepest feelings with me-even if they were negative feelings toward me-and a new understanding of what is truly important in these early years, I sincerely apologized to her and asked how I could fix it. She suggested I play with her. Maybe I'll never finish this degree which I've started working on. Maybe it will be later in my life. Who knows. But I will say something...school will be there later. These kids of mine are growing way too fast and I'm thankful she shared her insight with me now rather than later. Interestingly, my sweet Baby M has started crawling and walking since I've made the changes necessary to accommodate more family time. We spend lots of time playing together on the floor, going up and down the stairs, and outside when it's pleasant. By no means am I suggesting everybody put their computers away forever nor am I blaming myself for her delay because there is more going on with her than just a lack of play time with her mom, but I do believe her therapies combined with more of my attention are helping her tremendously. And Little A? Last night when I tucked her in, she said, "I cannot think of anything bad that happened today, Mama. We had such a good day together!" I love these girls. I feel so honored to be the one they call Mama. It might be the hardest job I've ever had, but I've never had rewards like these from any work I've ever done before. On another note, Hubby T has been super busy and not able to be home very much with us. We are looking forward to a schedule that is more conducive to building family memories together. He's having all kinds of meetings for jobs and taking the opportunities presented him. We're spending lots of time weighing options and trying to find what is best for our family. We'd love to stay where we are as we love it here and this feels so right. We're also trying not to close doors before taking the time to open them and see what's inside. He's got an interview scheduled tomorrow which will take us far away from everything we know so well and love so much, should we choose to take it. I am so thankful for prayer and blessings and the subsequent peace and contentment that comes when following promptings in making these big decisions. I have no doubt we'll end up in a place where we will be happy, our family will grow, and we will feel content.
It started off well. The girls were fed and dressed. Off to the car we went. We weren't late, but we were going to be if we didn't get on the road. Therapy comes early and those mornings are a bit hectic. I've been fortunate to have Hubby T home a bit later in the mornings lately, so he's been a huge help in getting out the door on time. We got everything gathered and out to the car we went. He buckled Baby M and I got Little A in her carseat. We shared our loves and parted ways. One of my favorite songs was on the radio, not Fight Song but almost, so I turned it up. We were OFF! On time even. CRASH! CRUNCH. Whatever you want to call it. Hubby T had turned and was walking into the house as I backed straight into our Honda. I started to giggle right away. He looked ticked. For those who know him, he doesn't get ticked. But he was ticked. His arms frantically went up in the air and I think he yelled something like, "THE CAR! YOU JUST HIT THE CAR!" ...must have caught him off guard as he meandered back in to the house ;) The crunch and my laughter could likely be heard throughout the neighborhood. He lightened up soon after I got out of the car. I assured him he didn't remember that car was there either. Not sure how we both forgot, but we totally spaced it. So we laughed together. He checked to make sure the airbags hadn't deployed and that the guts under the hood were okay. Of course they were. I'm an expert back-up-crasher (did I mention I kinda punched it?) with just the right amount of pressure to only leave a slight scratch on the minivan and a little more damage on the Honda. Nobody will ever notice. Except me. And I'll continue laughing every time I think about it. Have I ever mentioned I LOVE Marjorie Pay Hinckley. Apparently my awesome, handsome, wonderful and D-all of the above husband is related to her somehow. I heard she even came to some family reunions with President Hinckley occasionally. How cool is that!? Yes, you're right. That's a post for another time.
Go on giggling. I will be. |
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